We regret to inform you: squats have been canceled

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After years of encouraging our members to go below parallel, we have received a very important study forwarded to us via email with no author, no journal, and a suspiciously pixelated logo that confirms squats are, in fact, totally useless. We're devastated too.

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Effective immediately, all squat racks at Deep Roots Fitness will be converted into something far more scientifically sound: napping stations.

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"The data is clear. Lying down burns approximately the same number of calories as squatting, provided you dream about squatting vigorously enough."

— Dr. A. Pril, Institute of Made-Up Kinesiology

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Other groundbreaking updates

In light of the new science, we're also rolling out several program changes:

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Burpees are now optional (they always were, honestly)

Our coaches have unanimously agreed that anyone who claims to enjoy burpees is not to be trusted. We're investigating.

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Pizza is now a pre-workout

Complex carbohydrates. Healthy fats. Emotional support. We can't argue with the macros. New nutrition handouts coming soon.

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The warm-up is now 45 minutes long

The remaining 15 minutes will be used for a cool-down. The actual workout has been removed to make room for both.

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PRs will now be self-reported

Did you deadlift 400 lbs? Sure, why not. We believe you. The whiteboard is yours. No one will be checking anything.

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A word from our coaches

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Our coaching team has taken the news in stride. One coach (who has chosen to remain anonymous) has issued a brief statement: "I've been saying burpees are a form of punishment since 2019. Finally, vindication."

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The rest of the team was unavailable for comment as they were all busy rolling out their quads after Monday's workout.

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THE FINE PRINT

Squats have not been canceled. Squat racks remain squat racks. Pizza is a fine pre-workout though we would really recommend saving it for later. The Institute of Made-Up Kinesiology is not real. Burpees are, unfortunately, still real and still effective.

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Happy April Fools' Day from all of us at Deep Roots Fitness!

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Jokes aside...we're so grateful for this community. See you in class (not on a napping station).

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With love (and leg day),
The Deep Roots Fitness Team

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